Always Be Yourself
No matter how hard life gets there is always a positive outcome to the negative you’re facing. Never be a prisoner of your past or regret what has happened in your life remember it’s just lessons your learning to move forward it can not be changed, undone or forgotten.
Please remember it might be hard and you may feel stuck in the now but now does not mean forever x
I was able to attend meetings to get my point across when it came to my children and leave the house to take them to school. But on the other hand I was unable to leave the house to walk to the local shop. Only left the house if I really had to, but would only go in the car with a friend to go shopping. When I needed to get milk on my own, I would drive miles away to get it. I tried my hardest to avoid people who knew me, reasons I’m still not sure off.
I’ve been like this on and of for the past 8 years. At first the though of going out made me feel sick, with having children it was in avoidable not to leave the house. My son school was not in walking distance he was driven to and from school. This help me build my confidence in walking out the house to the car because he was with me I felt safe. As soon I was back on my own I could not wait to get back to the safety of my own 4 walls, I loved my own isolation.
I did not have support of family or friends around me at the time I was living for my kids, were suffering from clinical depression. I was on a waiting list for 2 years to see a clinical psychologist. When it came to see her I was scared as been let down by professional in the past. I went every week for a year trying to do cognitive behavioral therapy (C.B.T) and ended how I started there were difficulties to me engaging, was told I had built a second wall as a defense mechanism. Was then referred on to a dis tolerance course, it was 12 weeks long, there were 2 parts to it. Was only able to do the paper half that showed me I am not a victim the other part I was unable to do as it made me feel worse unfortunately that was mediation because of this I was unable to continue to do C.B.T.
Then one day my I needed to go shopping and my friend was unavailable. I left the house everyday driving round to different place and just sit and watch people then every time I’d have panic attack I would tell myself your ok no-ones going to hurt you over and over again in my head. I learnt to get out of the car and go into shops and just see people shoes so not to bump into to them. After doing this for over six months I was able to go shopping by myself and the panic attack subsided and felt more at ease that I did not have to rely on other for support.
The way I coped waiting for my children to come out of school was just to stand and count window panes or the bricks anything really. I learnt not to worry what other parents were doing, some of the parents thought I was unapproachable because they had thought I was staring at them until they were told that I was counting bricks above their heads and just did not see them standing there. I chose to keep to myself but was never rude and always answered if spoken too.
I went of a range of different self-esteem and confidence course, unfortunately I saw these as meetings to overcome my fear of attending a new places. Quite at first then would answer and realize that people were not laughing at me and that they were just the same as me but with different understanding and problems. They would listen to what I had to say without knowing I’d help them build their self-esteem and give them confidence to speck up in conversation on subject matters that normally they would avoid.
I decided to look at what my local council offered through adult education and joined a few hands on courses which were low-cost and fun for me to do here’s a short list of some I did: How to sew anything, How to make homemade toys and cushions, Beginners jewelery making, beginners icing course and Flower arranging.
With doing on-line research of different courses that are available this is where I found SKILLWISE which I still do a lot of their courses and have benefitted from all the different types of self-esteem and confidence and life coaching knowledge which has help me look at life differently.
My car final had to go to the scrap yard heaven. I could not afford to get another one but luckily for me I have a bus stop outside my house. This task of travel on a bus was not easy at first. I watched it just drive past day after day. I’ve always liked playing Pokemon go but only indoors and had a nasty habit of buying coins to get balls to catch them. I started to feel down as been in for a month not going out that I bought a train ticket to Skegness and paid for one night stay at a B&B and thought no backing out now.
Day of going I still had not got on that bus outside my house instead of going on it that would have taken only five minutes to reach the train station I walked in the rain. When I had reached the train station I nearly turned back to go home to the safety of my four walls when a lady started talking to me as she was unsure which train to get and what platform, to my surprise I was able to offer that help and support to her that I no longer feared the train myself and enjoyed traveling on it but the whole way I played Pokémon go collecting balls and other items. From that day I’ve not bought coins for that game and enjoy it more now.
In Skegness I walked around catching Pokemon and decided to get on a bus as my legs were hurting from all that walking at first I felt sick and had thought running through head just get up and get off so I played my game on the bus to stay on it. when I came home I walked from the station and after a week of being in doors yet again and running out of Pokémon balls I started to walk down the hill and get the bus back up which built my confident to get on the bus from outside my house and have done so every day scene then playing my game.
After a few month of traveling all over the place on buses one day the bus drivers started talking to me asking if I were following them around I just laughed it off and a young lady started talking to me asking why I were traveling on the bus and I told her I was building my confidence up and she told me that she would have never guessed I was lacking confidence which I was surprised but after this I now talk to anyone, go into shops and hold my head up high and am proud that I’ve come so far that I no longer see people as their shoes but as people and don’t worry anymore what other think of me.
To anyone who lack confidence and has low self-esteem remember your not alone and that it’s ok to take your time to build up to the person you want to be. Try writing down what worrying you, talk to a close positive friend, research self-help and look in your local area for support in getting out and about.
Thank you for taking the time to read follow for more blogs
cheers Margarett
Example:- assuming that others are thinking certain things about you or are doing things for a particular reason.
Example:- predicting how things will happen in an overly gloomy way.
Example:- saying things like “You always do that” or “You never told me”.
Example:- over-reliance on your feelings to determine your actions or decisions.
Example:- using words like You Must, Should, Ought do this. Could be about yourself or others.
Example:- paying little attention to or ignoring positive aspects of your life situation and focusing disproportionately on negative outcomes.
Example:- continually putting yourself down and focusing more on what you see as your bad qualities, rather than focusing on your good points.
Don’t be so hard on yourself and remember no one is perfect.
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